his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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