On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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