Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
