i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
