Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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