i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
