if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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