why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
