If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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