I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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