Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
