I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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