mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
