Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
