Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
