he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
