Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
