We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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