You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
