He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you never un-have a 4some
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
