this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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