I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
