I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
