if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
