And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
