i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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