Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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