ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
