Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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