I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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