I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
