Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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