bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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