He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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