M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
