My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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