see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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