peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
