ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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