By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
