Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
