I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
