Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
