remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
