Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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