He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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