M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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