and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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