I have demons in me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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