Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
