How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
