there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
