yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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