this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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