Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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