Dude my mom stole all your condoms
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
