At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
