Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
