Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
