My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
