he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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